17012011
Yup, it's been a long time... Nope, i'm not talking about posting here... It has other meanings...
It's been too long, never in my life that this has been this long... More than 2 months, i can't even remember exactly how long...
Falling down is bad enough, but not being able to stand up again is like.... Injured at the heart, battered, wounded, scathed, et cetera... Never had the chance to stand up properly, and then another strike... For all this time, i faced my problems, did my stuff on the floor... the cold floor... Yet, i have to put on some make up to cover all up. Put on a smile, and meet the people... "Nothing actually. i'm fine...", that was what i said to people... But, it's not!
i'm so worn out, the 1st time for so long... The life drained, energy expended, running on practically no fuel... Miraculously, i'm still running on full power... So tired... Physically, mentally, emotionally... Yet, i have to stand up and be strong. i still have to give support, to hold others up... To give something i don't have, not easy... Even if i have some of it, it would be gone before i know i have it...
When my heart bleeds, there is no one there.... No one would be there... Alone in the darkness... No one i can turn to, no one i can really let down my guard and pour it all out... i never had that special someone that would be there listening, just to listen... No one really gave me that sense of security... Yet, i have to take it all in, put on my smile, and move forward... as if nothing happened... in the dark...
When i did something wrong, without the intention of doing it, i get only...... i cannot retaliate, cannot even speak up for myself... in fear of hurting the other... The punishments, i took it all in... All bows aimed at me, i took the blame... But, others wronged me, the battery i took... No, i can't tell... i won't hurt more already... No one to listen to my pains...
However, i learned to live this way already... To move forward, never getting up... Although it still hurts, i'm already used to it... This is life, no complains... Take it all in, chin up, face the future... But i still wish for the day all will be fine, the day i will stand up again, the day my heart no longer hurts...
No, don't bother me... i'm just looking for a channel to pour out... to cry... to say, 'it hurts~~~'... Silly it seems though... No one was there, there was no one...
There is (or are) only the One... He knows... He Knows... He knows...
i shall wait for Him...and all will be fine when that day comes...
~a burn~
17012011
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