小石子，小种子~

除了光和盐，我觉得我们也是小石子，小种子。谁是我们？当然是天父的孩子啊…… 那……为什么我这么说呢？

小石子：很多时候，神会把我们从自己的大磐石往外抛。祂从这磐石把我们凿出来，然后把小石子扔出去。小石子滚啊，弹跳啊，就落在一个地方。在这里呢，小石子呢，可能会遭到不同人的糟踏，脚踢，又再滚啊，弹跳啊…… 经过这些事，小石子就会被慢慢的磨炼，慢慢的变成一个滑滑的小石子……

另一种情况呢，就是被抛弃的小石子，可能会和别的磐石结合，是那个磐石更强大，健壮。成了另一个磐石的一体……

小种子：有时，我们也像一粒种子。等到树木开始开花结果的时候，种子就要离开大树了…… 而种子将要在另一个地方，离开大树，落地生根。小种子，经过天父细心，无微不至地浇灌、养育，就慢慢成了另一棵大树…… 这棵大树，又要开始慢慢开花结果，又再把许许多多的小种子散播出去~~~

所以，要记得，离开自己的家，自己的原地，虽然有时会很辛苦，会觉得孤单、寂寞。可是，天父有祂的美意在其中。凡事只要信靠祂，仰望祂，耐心等候，恒切祷告，就能度过难关了。要学习把事情完完全全叫托在祂手里，让祂掌管，放下自己~~~ 

这些并不容易，可是，可以慢慢学习的~ 

“不 但 如 此 ， 就 是 在 患 难 中 也 是 欢 欢 喜 喜 的 ； 因 为 知 道 患 难 生 忍 耐 ，忍 耐 生 老 练 ， 老 练 生 盼 望 ； 盼 望 不 至 於 羞 耻 ， 因 为 所 赐 给 我 们 的 圣 灵 将 神 的 爱 浇 灌 在 我 们 心 里 。” （罗马书 5：3-5）

“ 神 是 我 们 的 避 难 所 ， 是 我 们 的 力 量 ， 是 我 们 在 患 难 中 随 时 的 帮 助 。” （诗篇 46：1）

残酷、冷漠

唉~~~那么快又回到了残酷、冷漠的世界了~~~ 

我的3个星期的semester break就这样结束了。现在又回到了首都，吉隆坡。新的学期又开始了~ 又要回去暗暗的环境了。我很讨厌离开家的感觉~ 我非常不舍得离开那温暖的床，那馨香的花多，那静静的夜晚，那清凉的空气…… 我很不愿离开父母，离开妹妹，离开宝贝，离开奶家…… 我很不想 向49号道别，向磐石道别，向槟岛道别~~~ 

既然他们都那么美好，为什么当初要离开呢？还不是为了那张纸！有时我在想，为了那张纸，而失去了那么多，值得吗？求神向我显明祂旨意吧…… 

要不是祂，我还能在这里吗？凡事都有天父的旨意，我只是要学习信靠、相信祂~~~ 无论环境如何，都要祷告、脚脱、仰望~ 耐心等候天父…… 为主发光！只有在黑暗，光才会有作用…… 可能就是因为这个道理，这个小石子被抛出去了…… 这粒小石子只要做好自己，就能起作用了，其它的，交给那磐石吧！

主啊，求你指教我你的道吧~~~ 教我放下自己，为你而活~~~

“所 以 弟 兄 们 ， 我 以 神 的 慈 悲 劝 你 们 ， 将 身 体 献 上 ， 当 作 活 祭 ， 是 圣 洁 的 ， 是 神 所 喜 悦 的 ； 你 们 如 此 事 奉 乃 是 理 所 当 然 的 。

不 要 效 法 这 个 世 界 ， 只 要 心 意 更 新 而 变 化 ， 叫 你 们 察 验 何 为 神 的 善 良 、 纯 全 、 可 喜 悦 的 旨 意 。” （罗马书 12：1-2）

“我 已 经 与 基 督 同 钉 十 字 架 ， 现 在 活 着 的 不 再 是 我 ， 乃 是 基 督 在 我 里 面 活 着 ； 并 且 我 如 今 在 肉 身 活 着 ， 是 因 信 神 的 儿 子 而 活 ； 他 是 爱 我 ， 为 我 舍 己 。” （加拉太书 2：20）

Swift as an Arrow

Haiz.... Time flies... as in the title.... It's already nearly 3 weeks since i came back home, and less than a week left to go back to that dreaded place. These past couple weeks was... 充实... Hmm, let's see....

Allow me to go backwards, instead of according to sequence. 23rd April, i went to dear's place to help out in making a cheese cake for dad. It's his birthday on the 24th. Come to think of it, my dear is quite a capable lady. She can bake, she can cook (though have a lot of improvements to do), she can 理家，she can write lyrics, she has a lot more to discover... So anyway, dad likes the cake... 

Before that, mum and i took Siew Hui to the airport. 原来，去机场的路其实很简单的…… 呵呵，我还想那么多…（人家不怎么去到那里嘛，所以就慌了一点。）在那之前，妈妈和我带秀慧去吃午餐~~~

星期日呢，有了我们的献堂礼~~ 哇……那天真的很感动，也很开心~ 这美丽又多功能的教会，再次献给神，再次肯定我们对祂的委身~ 愿神好好使用我们每个还有那堂！那一天，真的是很顺利。所有都很准时，大家也各尽其职…… 真的很感谢神~ ^^

Sunday is also our anniversary. It was our 2nd year together. And my, dear was beautiful with that dress on! Haha... Although we don't get much time that day, i am way too happy and grateful to let anything like that affect too much of me.

Haiz... time passes by too quickly for any man to grasp hold. As the days flows past, time accelerates. As a person slowly approaches the end, time as if races away from him with ever growing velocity... 

转眼间，我已经过了两个学期在吉隆坡，即将开始第三学期了~ 唉~~~~~ 岁月不饶人啊！很快的，我会再见到那创造者~ 那时，我会以喜乐去迎接这一天的到来的~ 

幸福在珍惜、在感恩~~~ 所以，我都不怎么要求的…… 对她也不敢要求。一来，不会那么辛苦嘛。二来，我哪里有资格要求宝贝，自己都做不好了啦~~~ 呵呵~~~ 哎呀，我会尽量去达到她的要求的啦，只是……要她等很久咯，像我这样的人，需要很久时间的…… 唉，委屈她了~~~

那么短的时间，能够看到她，我很开心了~~~ 希望这两年，一年半快快过去吧……

累了~~~

看来这将会是我第二次以华文写部落格吧……

其实这次也没什么话要说。只是想上来说说几句而已~~~ 没什么人可以听我诉苦，唯一会听的，心情可能比我更差吧？唉~~~ 

让人心情不好、伤心难过的事，一天一天，一个星期一个星期，一个月一个月，慢慢地累积起来…… 越来越难撑下去…… 全都积在心里，偶尔，倒了出来，也会让亲爱的伤心~~~ 唉…… 不知道为什么会这样的…… 到底我错在哪里？怎么每次都会这样的呢？

要说我不了解她，是没错的。不过，她也不了解我~~~ 其实，男人女人的情绪，也是一样的。男人也是会很在意的。只是，通常都不会把心里的事说出来。为什么呢？我就不知道。可是对我而言，我是觉得她应该撑不起两个人的心情和情绪才不会告诉她的。所以，都只好往心里塞……

我想，男女之别之差与在有没有表达出来而已。有些事，最好只手在心里好了~~~ 有些误解，还是留着为我的秘密好了。如果她因为这样，能够得到一些安慰，一些……自豪感，也好的。要事说出来，可能会让她更伤心难过，让她更自卑而已。到时，只是变本加厉而已……

走了那么久，也该习惯了。可是，一直都很累~~~ 做每一件事，都好像都是错的~~~ 那么久以来，只会让她伤心难过，不能给她幸福快乐。不知道坚持下去会是对的事情吗？自己多吃一点苦也没关系，只要她开心就好了~~~ 那么久了，总觉得不能给她要的，而且还一直让她失望，一直达不到她的要求~~~ 

看来…… i don't have the capacity and ability to express love~~~ 要怎么样呢？唉~~~~ 做这个也不是，那个也不是…… 为什么那么简单的感觉却会那么难去实行的呢？像我那么自私又笨的人，不可能做到的了~~~ 我那么多缺点，还会有人喜欢我，更不要说爱我啦~~~ 接受她的爱，可能是我最自私的决定~~~ 说真的，我哪里配得上她我？我爱上了她，真的很幸福~~~ 可是她呢？可能让她辛苦而已~~~ 要放下，可能是好的，可是也很可能是错的~~~ 

唉~~~~~~ 我很累~~~~~~ 还以为这次回家，能够好好地放下一切，好好地休息的~~~~~ 唉~~~~~~~~~ 我真的没有用~~~ 说很厉害，做的时候很不容易~~~ 我……很失败咯~~~~~~~~ 

本来只是想说说几句而已~~~没想到却说了那么多~~~~~

唉~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   T.T

Dislocated

Hey~~~ i'm back... Yup, just a few hours of separation between my previous post... Nope, this time i would be using English.

So, on the topic, Dislocation, that is what i feel. After being away for so long, i feel dislocated. From? My beloved 'milk' family. Sad thing isn't it? Being away with them probably is the cause. i no longer feel i'm with them, nor do i feel i can fit in any longer. They seem to have their own stuffs to deal with. Or just maybe that they've moved on and accepted that i will not always be with them. i seem to stay in the same old position. No, i don't blame them or anything, just feeling sad that so many things have changed, and i don't like this feeling. i hold them dearly, they will always be in my heart. 

i no longer have this sense of belonging, i feel dislocated from where i have always been. i still love them as much. Now i understand those who are like me. i haven't establish this feeling in KL, yet i have already lost the one i care the most...

Maybe i'm just being selfish here.... *sighs*    i just wished we all would stay the same...

i can only take consolation in the unchanging fact that i am and always will be a child of GOD... And i thank GOD for that...

变？

嗨~ 嗨！呵呵，这是应该我第一次以全华文来写我的部落格吧……呵呵，希望没有错字还是什么差错咯~~~

这次的主题是：变。哪一方面呢？感情吧…… 在我生命里，其中最重要的东西。那，我就开始了喔~~~

感情，久了，一定会变的…… 好坏呢，就不定了。为什么会变？可能是因为相处久了，觉得某些事情是理所当然的，不会再像以前那样地注重细节了。可能也会开始变得冷淡了。连交谈或者相处都不会再像以前那么……热情了。我是这样觉得、经历的。无论是友情，亲情，还是爱情，我想也会这样的吧……

原来人与人之间的关系，是很难保持像起初那么样的爱心的。以前会这样，以后不一定还是会这样。对彼此的爱，我相信是没变…… 只是，变的是，表达的方式还有次数而已。变得更好，更多，当然是好啦；不过相反的话，很容易让人觉得爱变少了。可能是是不是这样，可是……他人会这样觉得。

爱人，从来不是最容易的功课。也很可能是人生里最难的可吧~~~ 爱的条件就是要爱得无条件。爱，祂有自己的……原则，自己的定律。是什么呢？就是 哥林多前书 13章 的 《爱的真谛》了。当然还有别的啦，不过，我还要慢慢地去…… 摸索了。因为，神就是爱。

哥林多前书 13：4 - 8a, 13

《爱的真谛》

爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；

爱是不嫉妒；

爱是不自夸，不张狂，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；

凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

爱是永不止息。

如今常存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大的是爱。

Life in the Fast Lane? NO!

Hey! 我回来了！呵呵，no, it's not going to be totally in Mandarin la...

So anyway, exams started today, for me la... So far so good? Just acceptable la... The bad thing is, i'm down with a flu, and have to carry sick up field (抱病上场）LOL, not if both are correct or not either...

No, my topic isn't going to be about exams. This time i'm talking about FAST! Yup, that's right, fast. Modern humans have come to live life fast. From fast foods, to lifestyles, watching TV, news, internet, driving, business, conversations, work, school, and even keeping fit... People want it FAST! No, not later, IMMEDIATELY. Honestly, i don't understand why... Personally, i prefer to do things slowly, to appreciate the very process of completing it. Ya, this comes with its disadvantages too (all things have their disadvantages), like for instance, doing it too slow may eventually end up with incomplete work. But not doing it too fast either. Learn to smell the roses, appreciate the way things are, take note of how things work, pay attention to the way things end up, love the process as much as the results. Why go so fast and lose so many? We'll end up the same, don't we? Life is beautiful. Everything that comes from the LORD is beautiful, just learn to appreciate things...

Psalm 150

Praise the LORD.

   Praise God in his sanctuary; 

praise him in his mighty heavens. 

Praise him for his acts of power; 

praise him for his surpassing greatness. 

Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, 

praise him with the harp and lyre, 

praise him with timbrel and dancing, 

praise him with the strings and pipe, 

praise him with the clash of cymbals, 

praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD.

Preparing for War!

Hey! Yup, i'm back again... 

Wassup? Nothing's up... >.<

No, actually, i'm having my 2nd semester exams soon... Therefore this period is called, "the calm before the storm". Heheh, preparing for exams that is. How's it going? Erm, totally not in the mood to study. 101011010010101011101010110101 <~ these are what i see this sem. All 3 subjects have relation to computer and/or programming. But frankly, binary is much simpler than the other stuffs that come with these subjects.

As usual, it is not hard. It depends on how much effort i put in. Well, embarrassingly, i would say a little effort. Yeah, i'm lazy. i need that little spark to get the engine going, just that little interest... *Sighs
Many times (like almost every time), i feel like i'm studying the wrong subject, not so much in interest... What i really like, i'm not sure either. Physics? but i hate maths. Biology? Maybe...

So anyway, back to the topic. 2nd April is my first subject. i'm having my resit paper on the 7th. Yup, resitting a paper sucks. What makes it worse is the subject... Man! Hard to imagine stuffs with maths... I HATE MATHS!!! ( really, who really needs all those stuff?) 

Society, it ruins everything. Education, it is supposed to be learning, not studying for exams, not for that piece of shit paper! Learning is fun, studying is not. Learning done correctly, need not studying. It will imprint itself in the memory forever. 

Speaking of this, it reminds me another thing society has ruined, relationships. Relationships are meant to be built from the bottom up, to last a lifetime, to go through hardships, to pass the 'baptism of fire'. But society has to come along, and destroy it. It came, imposed some unseen and unspoken rules, expectations... Like, 'to make him/her happy, you have to do this, do that...' blah blah blah... i mean, can't we just go through our relationships without having too much expectations and pressure? And then there is this biasing thing. "Men will never get women" and stuff like that. Hey come on! Do you even really understand yourself? For once, i have to speak out. Men too have feelings, we will be hurt too, we too will feel jealous, we have emotions. We just don't voice out. Why? We don't want to burden you with what we have. At least try to hear us out, try seeing things through our eyes too.

Alright, i think i have gone way off topic. So, wrapping it up, i am preparing for my exams. And, yeah, i'm writing here because i'm pretty bored with studying, like i mentioned before...

See you guys/gals later... (that is, if anyone actually reads this thing.)

Hope

Ahh... It's been a long time since i wrote here... So how am i? Good and bad... In Kay Elle pursuing my Advanced Diploma. Seriously, i don't this place deserves to be called "Kay Elle". This is not a good place, unless for shopping, sight-seeing, short stays, vacations, et cetera... Why? Nothing beats home, Penang! *Sighs* i miss my home in Penang... i miss my Dear, my brothers and sisters, Michelle, Mum, Dad, the food, the environment, the cool and quiet nights, the drums, everything!

It's been tiring to wear this mask 24/7... Thank GOD i can still take it off before Him... The only energy i have been running on comes from Him. But, many times, still i 'deliberately' let go of this source and depend on my own. It's like having a nuclear plant, but still using coal-fired plant, to light up an entire metropolis. 

This entire advanced diploma thing has nearly stripped me of my energy. Yeah, i know, there's always GOD. But i have yet to really understand and grab hold of this fact and promise... i don't get to play around, don't get to release everything inside me... i'm afraid with everything welling up inside, it may one day explode. 

The only one i trust enough to pour out everything needs GOD and me to hold her up... Which means, i have to keep anything that is capable of bringing her down away... i'm not complaining about this nor take it as a burden, in fact i'm glad to do this. However, i too need cheering up, i too need encouragement, i too need...... a little rest every now and then. Sometimes i want to be the one who gets the pampering... the one being loved, to have more of it... Yup, i know, i'm being greedy, but does it do any harm at all?

As the days away from home grows, so does my elation goes down... Yes, i love everything around me... It's the circumstances of my position and being that i dislike. 

Arrggh... Too long a time away from home does the mind tricks. i am very very tired... It's been long... really long.....

Burns:

"Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint."    (Isaiah 40:30-31)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."     (Matthew 11:28-30)

It's Been Long~

17012011

Yup, it's been a long time... Nope, i'm not talking about posting here... It has other meanings...

It's been too long, never in my life that this has been this long... More than 2 months, i can't even remember exactly how long...

Falling down is bad enough, but not being able to stand up again is like.... Injured at the heart, battered, wounded, scathed, et cetera... Never had the chance to stand up properly, and then another strike... For all this time, i faced my problems, did my stuff on the floor... the cold floor... Yet, i have to put on some make up to cover all up. Put on a smile, and meet the people... "Nothing actually. i'm fine...", that was what i said to people...   But, it's not! 

i'm so worn out, the 1st time for so long... The life drained, energy expended, running on practically no fuel... Miraculously, i'm still running on full power... So tired... Physically, mentally, emotionally... Yet, i have to stand up and be strong. i still have to give support, to hold others up... To give something i don't have, not easy... Even if i have some of it, it would be gone before i know i have it... 

When my heart bleeds, there is no one there.... No one would be there... Alone in the darkness... No one i can turn to, no one i can really let down my guard and pour it all out... i never had that special someone that would be there listening, just to listen... No one really gave me that sense of security... Yet, i have to take it all in, put on my smile, and move forward... as if nothing happened... in the dark...

When i did something wrong, without the intention of doing it, i get only...... i cannot retaliate, cannot even speak up for myself... in fear of hurting the other... The punishments, i took it all in... All bows aimed at me, i took the blame... But, others wronged me, the battery i took... No, i can't tell... i won't hurt more already... No one to listen to my pains... 

However, i learned to live this way already... To move forward, never getting up... Although it still hurts, i'm already used to it... This is life, no complains... Take it all in, chin up, face the future... But i still wish for the day all will be fine, the day i will stand up again, the day my heart no longer hurts... 

No, don't bother me... i'm just looking for a channel to pour out... to cry... to say, 'it hurts~~~'... Silly it seems though... No one was there, there was no one...

There is (or are) only the One... He knows... He Knows... He knows... 

i shall wait for Him...and all will be fine when that day comes...

~a burn~

17012011

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