其实……

不知不觉，我已经开始慢慢地用华文来写部落格了…… 其实，我已经不再full time用着英文思考的了…… 唉，我的英文已经退步很多了。说话都有点吞吞吐吐的，用词用句不再像以前那么“sophisticated”了…… 哎哟，这些不是我今天的重点啦…… 重点是照常的啦，我的心情和故事啦…… Since没有倾诉的对象，只好来这里找你诉苦了~~~

还记得我上次说的吗？或者应该说我上次提到的。就说我们男生很容易放下之类的东西的啊…… 记得吗？嗯。我想我知道为什么她会这样觉得了啦…… 我不知道其他男生是不是啦，不过我不是那种很容易放得下的，我很会记仇的。不过放心啦，我不会报仇的啦…… 为什么记仇？我也不知道。其实也不要说记仇那么难听，而是应该说，不好的东西，我都很计较、很记得的……

其实……我放不下的。很多东西我放不下的，很多东西我都很在意的，很多东西我都很怕的…… 我很在意我不能常常让她开心。不能让她觉得safe enough来一起疯狂、一起尽情玩笑~ 我很在意给不到安全感~~~~ 我很在意不能成为她理想的人~~~~ 很在意不能安慰她、鼓励她~~~~ 很在意常常伤害到她，让她难过，伤心~~~~ 很在意不能给她出口闷气~~~~ 很在意不能为她申冤~~~~ 很在意不能常常在她身边，可是还是会伤到她~~~~ 很在意做到温柔体贴~~~~ 很在意不能够真地了解她~~~~ 很在意不能知道她心里想什么~~~~ 很在意的不到她的信任~~~~ 很在意自己那么失败~~~~ 唉~~~~~ 她觉得我优秀，我倒不觉得这样~~~ 唉，我能够得到她的爱，真的是很幸福的~~~~ 因为我根本不配的~ 我觉得幸福，可是，很可惜，她不会吧~~~~ 一直达不到她的要求，还一直伤害到她~~~~~~~ 我很在意的~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

其实…… 她会觉得我很容易放下可能因为很多时候我必须不顾自己的心情和感受去哄回她，安慰她，尽量让她开心回~~~ 可是，还是失败~~~ 都起不到效果~~~~ 无论当天的心情有多差，还是硬硬要戴上微笑和她聊，哄她…… 有时，我觉得…… 我已经开始失去自己了。慢慢地，没有任何地方可以让我真的脱下面具了~~~ 

其实…… 我已经耗尽了力气…… 可是，还是要撑着…… 不能放下~ 我已经很累很累了~~~ 有时我只是奢望能够有人来安慰我、鼓励我，有多短暂也好，都已经很够了~ 即使只是她一个小小的微笑，那也很足够了~~~ 我不知道她有没有像我这样，可是我希望她不会也不需要这样~~~ 很庆幸的是，我还有耶稣~~~~  

其实…… 如果能够看到她对我微笑，我已经很满足了~ 多辛苦，也是值得的~~~~ 我不是说我很辛苦，只是说，有些东西少了，也很好~ 如果她的回复会像以前那么有感觉、有感情、有热情的话，那该多好啊…… 喂，你不要误会我啦。我不是暗恋人家啦。我们已经在一起两年多了，现在很幸福~~~

其实…… 不是她的错啦~~ 是我做得不够好，才会这样的~~~ 那为什么要诉苦？因为…… 那么东西加在一起，会弄到更糟的~ 学业上的压力啊，生活环境啊，寂寞的感觉啊，身边的人啊，缺乏安全感啊~~~~~ Have you heard of superposition theorem？ 就是这个了~~~ 

其实…… 说了出来，心里的确有比较舒服一点了~ 好了，既然舒服了，就该戴会上去了。披上披肩，继续撑吧！加油哦，ah burn!!!

一宿虽有哭泣，早晨必欢呼~~~ 

不知道啦

Hi.... It's been some time since i've come here to write... So what is today's topic? i don't know... Yes, i really don't know what topic to give it... Alright, let's just start....

The dynamics of relationships between the fairer sex and the men (yeah, kinda sad we don't have a nice name to represent us..) are very complex... Why? i do not know. Maybe it is because the society has pinned down rules and expectations from both genders as to how they should act, behave, talk, et cetera.What attitude each of us should have, what personalities we should have... 

打个比如吧，在社会的眼里，男性are expected to be tough, to endure hardships, and yet be gentle to ladies. 我不是说这些不好。而是说，不要把每个人都以同样的眼光看待，don't expect the same from everyone, regardless of age, experience or background. 因为，如果一个人做不到/达不到你的要求的时候，你不只会失望，还会另到他人感觉有压力。但是，基本的事一定要有的。我想说的是，让一个人当回她/他自己。让她/他有空间发挥自己。而不是限制to the expectations and forms of this 社会。只要她/他是好的，就让她/他去做回自己。如果每个人都这样想的话，我们的社会更会有色彩了~~~

很可惜的是，我们每个人都不“小心”地在改变他人，so they would fit in the molds of the society... 说难听点，就是在制造机械人。唉…… Don't try to change or expect too much from a person, because when she/he finally changed, they are not the person you first met anymore. And trust me, 你当初会和她/他做朋友，因为她/他是独特的，是他们自己。他们改变了自己，就失去了自己。Sadly, this is what i see in today's world... People can't be themselves because the society wants them to be what the society wants. And a reminder, you, i, we, ARE the society...

"男生就是这样的。。。。你们不比女生来的敏感，来得有感情。。。女生很多东西都很难放得下，而男生呢？转个头就忘记一回事了。。当女生不开心，心情不好的时候，她想要听的是同感身受的话，而不是无谓的劝告，唠叨，不满，投诉。。。要劝，要唠叨，要投诉，可以在别天才说，不是现在说。。。女生都是很有情绪的动物。。。很多时候，都希望有人能够明白他们的心。。。她们的感受。。。而不是反方面的东西。。。" 

This is what someone very dear to me told me... i'm not sure about other people, but i am sure, i am not like this ( 你们不比女生来的敏感，来得有感情。。。女生很多东西都很难放得下，而男生呢？转个头就忘记一回事了。。 ) . 

其实，我不是不敏感，而是不想让别人看到而已。其实我不是很容易放得下，只是不想让人家知道而已…… 放得下的话，我哪里会那么长时间"emo"呢？我不开心的时候，心情不好的时候，常常都不让人知道的…… 宁愿自己受苦，也不想影响到他人…… 唉…… 

其实男女之间并没有很大的差别，差别只在看不看得到而已……

为什么我会提到这个呢？因为，这又回到来社会的要求了~~~

好了，我好像写太多东西了~~~~算是把心里的话，说出来……虽然没什么改善，不过好过没有吧~~~ 唉~~~~~~ 

Be yourself... Those who mind, don't matter; those who matter, don't mind... 

What was, what is, what will - Lost

*Sighs.... Actually, i don't have the mood to write...but i feel like it...


Many times i regret the decision to continue my adv. dip. in KL main campus. Because of this, i lost many chances to watch the Rock grow. i also lost many opportunities to participate in these events... From church building activities, to Christmas events, to mini-concerts, and so on... 


It's the 1st time i'd leave home for such long periods, it feels... weird..... Maybe i'm too attached to my milk family, maybe i'm too used to being with them, maybe.... i put them on too high a position. Being disconnected with them just feels, unnatural... i don't know, maybe this isn't good? They are the home i never wished leaving, they ARE... Family.


Dear told me that what i lost, the LORD will give back twofold. Well, i shall hold on to this... Even if He chooses not to do so, i believe that in His mighty hands, are my future. Just... try not to forget that He is always there. The World changes a person. A once innocent child will, sadly, eventually has his thoughts twisted by this World. 


求神赐我们纯洁的思想~ 洁净我们心灵~~~~

小石子，小种子~

除了光和盐，我觉得我们也是小石子，小种子。谁是我们？当然是天父的孩子啊…… 那……为什么我这么说呢？

小石子：很多时候，神会把我们从自己的大磐石往外抛。祂从这磐石把我们凿出来，然后把小石子扔出去。小石子滚啊，弹跳啊，就落在一个地方。在这里呢，小石子呢，可能会遭到不同人的糟踏，脚踢，又再滚啊，弹跳啊…… 经过这些事，小石子就会被慢慢的磨炼，慢慢的变成一个滑滑的小石子……

另一种情况呢，就是被抛弃的小石子，可能会和别的磐石结合，是那个磐石更强大，健壮。成了另一个磐石的一体……

小种子：有时，我们也像一粒种子。等到树木开始开花结果的时候，种子就要离开大树了…… 而种子将要在另一个地方，离开大树，落地生根。小种子，经过天父细心，无微不至地浇灌、养育，就慢慢成了另一棵大树…… 这棵大树，又要开始慢慢开花结果，又再把许许多多的小种子散播出去~~~

所以，要记得，离开自己的家，自己的原地，虽然有时会很辛苦，会觉得孤单、寂寞。可是，天父有祂的美意在其中。凡事只要信靠祂，仰望祂，耐心等候，恒切祷告，就能度过难关了。要学习把事情完完全全叫托在祂手里，让祂掌管，放下自己~~~ 

这些并不容易，可是，可以慢慢学习的~ 

“不 但 如 此 ， 就 是 在 患 难 中 也 是 欢 欢 喜 喜 的 ； 因 为 知 道 患 难 生 忍 耐 ，忍 耐 生 老 练 ， 老 练 生 盼 望 ； 盼 望 不 至 於 羞 耻 ， 因 为 所 赐 给 我 们 的 圣 灵 将 神 的 爱 浇 灌 在 我 们 心 里 。” （罗马书 5：3-5）

“ 神 是 我 们 的 避 难 所 ， 是 我 们 的 力 量 ， 是 我 们 在 患 难 中 随 时 的 帮 助 。” （诗篇 46：1）

残酷、冷漠

唉~~~那么快又回到了残酷、冷漠的世界了~~~ 

我的3个星期的semester break就这样结束了。现在又回到了首都，吉隆坡。新的学期又开始了~ 又要回去暗暗的环境了。我很讨厌离开家的感觉~ 我非常不舍得离开那温暖的床，那馨香的花多，那静静的夜晚，那清凉的空气…… 我很不愿离开父母，离开妹妹，离开宝贝，离开奶家…… 我很不想 向49号道别，向磐石道别，向槟岛道别~~~ 

既然他们都那么美好，为什么当初要离开呢？还不是为了那张纸！有时我在想，为了那张纸，而失去了那么多，值得吗？求神向我显明祂旨意吧…… 

要不是祂，我还能在这里吗？凡事都有天父的旨意，我只是要学习信靠、相信祂~~~ 无论环境如何，都要祷告、脚脱、仰望~ 耐心等候天父…… 为主发光！只有在黑暗，光才会有作用…… 可能就是因为这个道理，这个小石子被抛出去了…… 这粒小石子只要做好自己，就能起作用了，其它的，交给那磐石吧！

主啊，求你指教我你的道吧~~~ 教我放下自己，为你而活~~~

“所 以 弟 兄 们 ， 我 以 神 的 慈 悲 劝 你 们 ， 将 身 体 献 上 ， 当 作 活 祭 ， 是 圣 洁 的 ， 是 神 所 喜 悦 的 ； 你 们 如 此 事 奉 乃 是 理 所 当 然 的 。

不 要 效 法 这 个 世 界 ， 只 要 心 意 更 新 而 变 化 ， 叫 你 们 察 验 何 为 神 的 善 良 、 纯 全 、 可 喜 悦 的 旨 意 。” （罗马书 12：1-2）

“我 已 经 与 基 督 同 钉 十 字 架 ， 现 在 活 着 的 不 再 是 我 ， 乃 是 基 督 在 我 里 面 活 着 ； 并 且 我 如 今 在 肉 身 活 着 ， 是 因 信 神 的 儿 子 而 活 ； 他 是 爱 我 ， 为 我 舍 己 。” （加拉太书 2：20）

Swift as an Arrow

Haiz.... Time flies... as in the title.... It's already nearly 3 weeks since i came back home, and less than a week left to go back to that dreaded place. These past couple weeks was... 充实... Hmm, let's see....

Allow me to go backwards, instead of according to sequence. 23rd April, i went to dear's place to help out in making a cheese cake for dad. It's his birthday on the 24th. Come to think of it, my dear is quite a capable lady. She can bake, she can cook (though have a lot of improvements to do), she can 理家，she can write lyrics, she has a lot more to discover... So anyway, dad likes the cake... 

Before that, mum and i took Siew Hui to the airport. 原来，去机场的路其实很简单的…… 呵呵，我还想那么多…（人家不怎么去到那里嘛，所以就慌了一点。）在那之前，妈妈和我带秀慧去吃午餐~~~

星期日呢，有了我们的献堂礼~~ 哇……那天真的很感动，也很开心~ 这美丽又多功能的教会，再次献给神，再次肯定我们对祂的委身~ 愿神好好使用我们每个还有那堂！那一天，真的是很顺利。所有都很准时，大家也各尽其职…… 真的很感谢神~ ^^

Sunday is also our anniversary. It was our 2nd year together. And my, dear was beautiful with that dress on! Haha... Although we don't get much time that day, i am way too happy and grateful to let anything like that affect too much of me.

Haiz... time passes by too quickly for any man to grasp hold. As the days flows past, time accelerates. As a person slowly approaches the end, time as if races away from him with ever growing velocity... 

转眼间，我已经过了两个学期在吉隆坡，即将开始第三学期了~ 唉~~~~~ 岁月不饶人啊！很快的，我会再见到那创造者~ 那时，我会以喜乐去迎接这一天的到来的~ 

幸福在珍惜、在感恩~~~ 所以，我都不怎么要求的…… 对她也不敢要求。一来，不会那么辛苦嘛。二来，我哪里有资格要求宝贝，自己都做不好了啦~~~ 呵呵~~~ 哎呀，我会尽量去达到她的要求的啦，只是……要她等很久咯，像我这样的人，需要很久时间的…… 唉，委屈她了~~~

那么短的时间，能够看到她，我很开心了~~~ 希望这两年，一年半快快过去吧……

累了~~~

看来这将会是我第二次以华文写部落格吧……

其实这次也没什么话要说。只是想上来说说几句而已~~~ 没什么人可以听我诉苦，唯一会听的，心情可能比我更差吧？唉~~~ 

让人心情不好、伤心难过的事，一天一天，一个星期一个星期，一个月一个月，慢慢地累积起来…… 越来越难撑下去…… 全都积在心里，偶尔，倒了出来，也会让亲爱的伤心~~~ 唉…… 不知道为什么会这样的…… 到底我错在哪里？怎么每次都会这样的呢？

要说我不了解她，是没错的。不过，她也不了解我~~~ 其实，男人女人的情绪，也是一样的。男人也是会很在意的。只是，通常都不会把心里的事说出来。为什么呢？我就不知道。可是对我而言，我是觉得她应该撑不起两个人的心情和情绪才不会告诉她的。所以，都只好往心里塞……

我想，男女之别之差与在有没有表达出来而已。有些事，最好只手在心里好了~~~ 有些误解，还是留着为我的秘密好了。如果她因为这样，能够得到一些安慰，一些……自豪感，也好的。要事说出来，可能会让她更伤心难过，让她更自卑而已。到时，只是变本加厉而已……

走了那么久，也该习惯了。可是，一直都很累~~~ 做每一件事，都好像都是错的~~~ 那么久以来，只会让她伤心难过，不能给她幸福快乐。不知道坚持下去会是对的事情吗？自己多吃一点苦也没关系，只要她开心就好了~~~ 那么久了，总觉得不能给她要的，而且还一直让她失望，一直达不到她的要求~~~ 

看来…… i don't have the capacity and ability to express love~~~ 要怎么样呢？唉~~~~ 做这个也不是，那个也不是…… 为什么那么简单的感觉却会那么难去实行的呢？像我那么自私又笨的人，不可能做到的了~~~ 我那么多缺点，还会有人喜欢我，更不要说爱我啦~~~ 接受她的爱，可能是我最自私的决定~~~ 说真的，我哪里配得上她我？我爱上了她，真的很幸福~~~ 可是她呢？可能让她辛苦而已~~~ 要放下，可能是好的，可是也很可能是错的~~~ 

唉~~~~~~ 我很累~~~~~~ 还以为这次回家，能够好好地放下一切，好好地休息的~~~~~ 唉~~~~~~~~~ 我真的没有用~~~ 说很厉害，做的时候很不容易~~~ 我……很失败咯~~~~~~~~ 

本来只是想说说几句而已~~~没想到却说了那么多~~~~~

唉~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   T.T

Dislocated

Hey~~~ i'm back... Yup, just a few hours of separation between my previous post... Nope, this time i would be using English.

So, on the topic, Dislocation, that is what i feel. After being away for so long, i feel dislocated. From? My beloved 'milk' family. Sad thing isn't it? Being away with them probably is the cause. i no longer feel i'm with them, nor do i feel i can fit in any longer. They seem to have their own stuffs to deal with. Or just maybe that they've moved on and accepted that i will not always be with them. i seem to stay in the same old position. No, i don't blame them or anything, just feeling sad that so many things have changed, and i don't like this feeling. i hold them dearly, they will always be in my heart. 

i no longer have this sense of belonging, i feel dislocated from where i have always been. i still love them as much. Now i understand those who are like me. i haven't establish this feeling in KL, yet i have already lost the one i care the most...

Maybe i'm just being selfish here.... *sighs*    i just wished we all would stay the same...

i can only take consolation in the unchanging fact that i am and always will be a child of GOD... And i thank GOD for that...

变？

嗨~ 嗨！呵呵，这是应该我第一次以全华文来写我的部落格吧……呵呵，希望没有错字还是什么差错咯~~~

这次的主题是：变。哪一方面呢？感情吧…… 在我生命里，其中最重要的东西。那，我就开始了喔~~~

感情，久了，一定会变的…… 好坏呢，就不定了。为什么会变？可能是因为相处久了，觉得某些事情是理所当然的，不会再像以前那样地注重细节了。可能也会开始变得冷淡了。连交谈或者相处都不会再像以前那么……热情了。我是这样觉得、经历的。无论是友情，亲情，还是爱情，我想也会这样的吧……

原来人与人之间的关系，是很难保持像起初那么样的爱心的。以前会这样，以后不一定还是会这样。对彼此的爱，我相信是没变…… 只是，变的是，表达的方式还有次数而已。变得更好，更多，当然是好啦；不过相反的话，很容易让人觉得爱变少了。可能是是不是这样，可是……他人会这样觉得。

爱人，从来不是最容易的功课。也很可能是人生里最难的可吧~~~ 爱的条件就是要爱得无条件。爱，祂有自己的……原则，自己的定律。是什么呢？就是 哥林多前书 13章 的 《爱的真谛》了。当然还有别的啦，不过，我还要慢慢地去…… 摸索了。因为，神就是爱。

哥林多前书 13：4 - 8a, 13

《爱的真谛》

爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；

爱是不嫉妒；

爱是不自夸，不张狂，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；

凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

爱是永不止息。

如今常存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大的是爱。

Life in the Fast Lane? NO!

Hey! 我回来了！呵呵，no, it's not going to be totally in Mandarin la...

So anyway, exams started today, for me la... So far so good? Just acceptable la... The bad thing is, i'm down with a flu, and have to carry sick up field (抱病上场）LOL, not if both are correct or not either...

No, my topic isn't going to be about exams. This time i'm talking about FAST! Yup, that's right, fast. Modern humans have come to live life fast. From fast foods, to lifestyles, watching TV, news, internet, driving, business, conversations, work, school, and even keeping fit... People want it FAST! No, not later, IMMEDIATELY. Honestly, i don't understand why... Personally, i prefer to do things slowly, to appreciate the very process of completing it. Ya, this comes with its disadvantages too (all things have their disadvantages), like for instance, doing it too slow may eventually end up with incomplete work. But not doing it too fast either. Learn to smell the roses, appreciate the way things are, take note of how things work, pay attention to the way things end up, love the process as much as the results. Why go so fast and lose so many? We'll end up the same, don't we? Life is beautiful. Everything that comes from the LORD is beautiful, just learn to appreciate things...

Psalm 150

Praise the LORD.

   Praise God in his sanctuary; 

praise him in his mighty heavens. 

Praise him for his acts of power; 

praise him for his surpassing greatness. 

Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, 

praise him with the harp and lyre, 

praise him with timbrel and dancing, 

praise him with the strings and pipe, 

praise him with the clash of cymbals, 

praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD.

Preparing for War!

Hey! Yup, i'm back again... 

Wassup? Nothing's up... >.<

No, actually, i'm having my 2nd semester exams soon... Therefore this period is called, "the calm before the storm". Heheh, preparing for exams that is. How's it going? Erm, totally not in the mood to study. 101011010010101011101010110101 <~ these are what i see this sem. All 3 subjects have relation to computer and/or programming. But frankly, binary is much simpler than the other stuffs that come with these subjects.

As usual, it is not hard. It depends on how much effort i put in. Well, embarrassingly, i would say a little effort. Yeah, i'm lazy. i need that little spark to get the engine going, just that little interest... *Sighs
Many times (like almost every time), i feel like i'm studying the wrong subject, not so much in interest... What i really like, i'm not sure either. Physics? but i hate maths. Biology? Maybe...

So anyway, back to the topic. 2nd April is my first subject. i'm having my resit paper on the 7th. Yup, resitting a paper sucks. What makes it worse is the subject... Man! Hard to imagine stuffs with maths... I HATE MATHS!!! ( really, who really needs all those stuff?) 

Society, it ruins everything. Education, it is supposed to be learning, not studying for exams, not for that piece of shit paper! Learning is fun, studying is not. Learning done correctly, need not studying. It will imprint itself in the memory forever. 

Speaking of this, it reminds me another thing society has ruined, relationships. Relationships are meant to be built from the bottom up, to last a lifetime, to go through hardships, to pass the 'baptism of fire'. But society has to come along, and destroy it. It came, imposed some unseen and unspoken rules, expectations... Like, 'to make him/her happy, you have to do this, do that...' blah blah blah... i mean, can't we just go through our relationships without having too much expectations and pressure? And then there is this biasing thing. "Men will never get women" and stuff like that. Hey come on! Do you even really understand yourself? For once, i have to speak out. Men too have feelings, we will be hurt too, we too will feel jealous, we have emotions. We just don't voice out. Why? We don't want to burden you with what we have. At least try to hear us out, try seeing things through our eyes too.

Alright, i think i have gone way off topic. So, wrapping it up, i am preparing for my exams. And, yeah, i'm writing here because i'm pretty bored with studying, like i mentioned before...

See you guys/gals later... (that is, if anyone actually reads this thing.)

Hope

Ahh... It's been a long time since i wrote here... So how am i? Good and bad... In Kay Elle pursuing my Advanced Diploma. Seriously, i don't this place deserves to be called "Kay Elle". This is not a good place, unless for shopping, sight-seeing, short stays, vacations, et cetera... Why? Nothing beats home, Penang! *Sighs* i miss my home in Penang... i miss my Dear, my brothers and sisters, Michelle, Mum, Dad, the food, the environment, the cool and quiet nights, the drums, everything!

It's been tiring to wear this mask 24/7... Thank GOD i can still take it off before Him... The only energy i have been running on comes from Him. But, many times, still i 'deliberately' let go of this source and depend on my own. It's like having a nuclear plant, but still using coal-fired plant, to light up an entire metropolis. 

This entire advanced diploma thing has nearly stripped me of my energy. Yeah, i know, there's always GOD. But i have yet to really understand and grab hold of this fact and promise... i don't get to play around, don't get to release everything inside me... i'm afraid with everything welling up inside, it may one day explode. 

The only one i trust enough to pour out everything needs GOD and me to hold her up... Which means, i have to keep anything that is capable of bringing her down away... i'm not complaining about this nor take it as a burden, in fact i'm glad to do this. However, i too need cheering up, i too need encouragement, i too need...... a little rest every now and then. Sometimes i want to be the one who gets the pampering... the one being loved, to have more of it... Yup, i know, i'm being greedy, but does it do any harm at all?

As the days away from home grows, so does my elation goes down... Yes, i love everything around me... It's the circumstances of my position and being that i dislike. 

Arrggh... Too long a time away from home does the mind tricks. i am very very tired... It's been long... really long.....

Burns:

"Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint."    (Isaiah 40:30-31)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."     (Matthew 11:28-30)

It's Been Long~

17012011

Yup, it's been a long time... Nope, i'm not talking about posting here... It has other meanings...

It's been too long, never in my life that this has been this long... More than 2 months, i can't even remember exactly how long...

Falling down is bad enough, but not being able to stand up again is like.... Injured at the heart, battered, wounded, scathed, et cetera... Never had the chance to stand up properly, and then another strike... For all this time, i faced my problems, did my stuff on the floor... the cold floor... Yet, i have to put on some make up to cover all up. Put on a smile, and meet the people... "Nothing actually. i'm fine...", that was what i said to people...   But, it's not! 

i'm so worn out, the 1st time for so long... The life drained, energy expended, running on practically no fuel... Miraculously, i'm still running on full power... So tired... Physically, mentally, emotionally... Yet, i have to stand up and be strong. i still have to give support, to hold others up... To give something i don't have, not easy... Even if i have some of it, it would be gone before i know i have it... 

When my heart bleeds, there is no one there.... No one would be there... Alone in the darkness... No one i can turn to, no one i can really let down my guard and pour it all out... i never had that special someone that would be there listening, just to listen... No one really gave me that sense of security... Yet, i have to take it all in, put on my smile, and move forward... as if nothing happened... in the dark...

When i did something wrong, without the intention of doing it, i get only...... i cannot retaliate, cannot even speak up for myself... in fear of hurting the other... The punishments, i took it all in... All bows aimed at me, i took the blame... But, others wronged me, the battery i took... No, i can't tell... i won't hurt more already... No one to listen to my pains... 

However, i learned to live this way already... To move forward, never getting up... Although it still hurts, i'm already used to it... This is life, no complains... Take it all in, chin up, face the future... But i still wish for the day all will be fine, the day i will stand up again, the day my heart no longer hurts... 

No, don't bother me... i'm just looking for a channel to pour out... to cry... to say, 'it hurts~~~'... Silly it seems though... No one was there, there was no one...

There is (or are) only the One... He knows... He Knows... He knows... 

i shall wait for Him...and all will be fine when that day comes...

~a burn~

17012011

004815

Of Dream and Dreams

"Where the hell is the Alexanders!!?? They're supposed to make sure this doesn't happen!!"


17082010 - Dreams, are they things that we wish to happen? Or are they events that occur in our subconscious mind while we are asleep? Could they be co-existing? Simple, stupid questions that came to me...


Well, both happened to me today. i won't tell the story. But, when your slumber dreams and your the dreams you wish to happen collide, that's pretty.....


It's so real. Most probably have the same thought.

Shooting!

31052010 - Paiseh... i always procrastinate...


On 16th May, the Youths went for a hike cum shooting. Shooting? No, not that. We shot footages for our Family Camp video. Well, for 1st timers, it was pretty confusing. Some were even quite restricted to the script. Anyway, we miraculously finished shooting the video by 1630 hrs, we started at about 1430 hrs... Haha, we did it about for 2 hours! Thank GOD, and praise Him! Although we had difficulties, like, slippery ground (it was raining), miscommunication, inexperience, low battery, and unexpected circumstances, we pulled through... And, i think we did a marvelous job! Bravo guys! Glory to GOD again!


After the shooting, of course the videos needed editing. Well, Danny S did most of it. He did 85% of all editing in 24 hrs! Walau! Hard to believe leh... i, on the other hand, took 3 days to complete it... Why? Because playing with the video editing software was fun! You can make people speak at different speeds and pitches, and also make the video go backwards... Then, they would speak weirdly... Haha!!!


Anyway, the final result was very... umm... surprising, nice, and touching to some... Again, i have to praise the LORD and give Him thanks... i hope to get a full copy of it soon...

Our lead actor, Alvin!

Behind the scenes, literally...

~a burn~

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01062010

hhtp://blitz127.blogspot.com

So long liao...

22052010- It's been a long time since i've updated my blog... It's like, uhh, one month? Maybe even longer... Why so long? i've started my own story, a fictional story, and i've been writing on it. Besides, there's some things to do too...So, i'll give a brief update la...


First of all, my new semester has started! A new academic year, new status (i'm a senior now... old liao~), new college fees bill, new lecturers, new subjects, new notes and books... Haiz, the first day back to college, the first subject, why does it have to be Maths???!!! So sien nia... And of all branches, why do i need to study differentiation???!!! i hate you!!! Humans are so stupid, they make lives so complicated, first politics, then economy, then education, then technology, then everything else! TSK!!! i think of all of GOD's creatures, only humans will make lives difficult for themselves... Idiotic isn't it? So, anyway, the first week is rather boring... My engines haven't warmed up yet, still trying to get into that study mode. Then there is Electronic Instrumentation and Communication (i think that's the correct name), walau eh, very hard to understand leh... Luckily, we still have our humorous Mr. Teh, at least we have a joke every now and then to keep things fresh... According to the lecturers, this semester will be hard, and will involve a lot more theoretical lessons. So, i'll keep this in prayer...


Next, our Youths, or part of it, has formed and started a worship group/team... We trained on singing/voice/whatever it's called, various musical instruments, and most important, on GOD. Yup, we made it a habit to read the Bible daily, pray, and P&W... And, you can see the lives of these young people transforming little by little. GOD, lead our way!


Besides, i had my status changed... Uhh, that will be in the relationship sense? Anyway, i'm still trying to get myself accustomed to this thing... Again, like what my mum said (on this matter), 'Leave it to GOD.' Hmm... we will... 


So, this my brief summary on recent events... i will  have another post on shooting... Whatever la..


~a burn~
http://blitz127.blogspot.com
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22052010

Sweet~

26042010- Have you experienced GOD's love before? i don't until recently, that is since a month ago. Though i had experienced His love many times in the past, it wasn't until recently i experience His grace and love almost everyday. How said? Well, it's simple. Reading His words, talking to Him, singing praises, reflecting on His words. All those, magnifies GOD's love greatly, allowing me to experience Him.


By praising and worshiping the LORD, i can remember His love, praise, give thanks, and at times, just enjoy the love. By reading His word, it's as if He's talking to me, encouraging me or teaching me a lesson from the past. By praying, i tell my story, i give thanks, i pray for others. That's how i experience GOD. Besides, just look around, look at nature, that's GOD, you can see His image right there. He's everywhere! He who created the heavens and the earth is worthy of our praise. He who sent His Son is worthy of our thanks. 


GOD, i love you~


~a burn~
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28042010
http://blitz127.blogspot.com

Just Plain Confused

21042010- i had been very confused since we started. Confused. Really confused. i don't know what feeling is that, my brain doesn't recognise this feeling. Love, i know that, but what kind? Sibling love? Friendship's love? Lovers' love? Parent's love? i don't know. i'm not sure. 


Sometimes, i think i have fallen. No. Sometimes, i think it is just friends. No, more than that. Sometimes, i think it's like a brother watching over a sister. Sometimes, i think it's like a mother, looking into everything. Sometimes, it's like a dad caring and protecting his daughter. Sometimes, it's like sisters playing together, having fun. Sometimes, like total strangers, nothing to say when met. Sometimes, like a peace-keeper, keeping watch. Other times, like a sniper, ready to strike down my VIP's threat. Then, it' like a couple, keeping her in mind. Father? What's happening? It's not that feeling, nor this. What is it? Am i guardian? Or am i friend? My assignment, Sir? Escort? Defence? Sniper? Sentry? Scout? Assault? Pathfinder? Heavy-gunner? Strike? Commando? Close air support? Apa dia?


Hmm... Maybe i'm spilling to much juice here.... LORD, what am i supposed to do? i am confused over my role. Which section am i assigned to? Where do i serve?  I AM CONFUSED, A LOT.


~a burn~
015333
21042010
http://blitz127.blogspot.com

FUN Mini Mission @ Sitiawan

Bless and you will be blessed even greater.

15032010~ That is what came through my mind yesterday night before going to bed. This story began all the way back to last last Saturday (6th March) during Youth fellowship. Well, we did have our usual P&W; but after that, Fung Hain told us and taught us a new... performance routine(?) i shall say (i do not know what it is called). So, we started doing it... It was quite fun actually, but also was rather tiring, as one had to do repetitive actions like squatting down and standing back up again, et cetera.

Fast forwarding... ... Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... Thursday... Friday... STOP! Rewind backwards to Friday, 2100 hrs...

Ahh... Now it's D+1 before Saturday. We, that is the participants, gathered for a final preparation for the supposed mini mission, at least that's what Mama (Fung Hain, hehe) told us. We practiced, had fun, chatted, laughed, practiced some more, and laughed... Before we left to get ready (and of course sleep), Ren Yee briefed us on the plans, and told us what to expect. He said that we were going to lodge in a apartment, and asked whoever has a sleeping bag, bring it along, for there may not be enough beds. Then, we went home.

13th March, Saturday (D1)- " Tell the world that Jesus lives, tell the world that, tell the world that!" Woke me up from my slumber. i got up and got ready. Mama, took 霖哥 and me to the Hew's, where she picked up them from Batu Feringghi (Ren Yee, Vivian, Amanda, Anita, and Louise (she isn't going)). When they rushed up the van, it was a hilarious sight. Everyone was scurrying up with their luggages. We all laughed because it looked like they're hurrying after a heist from the Hew's. Even Louise's action of closing the gate tickled our funny bones, it was like we're 'kind robbers' who helped to closed their victims door.

Next, we headed to church to pick up Alvin on the way. Don't know what really happened, but when one of us asked him over the phone, 'where are you?' He replied, 'i'm here.' Hahaha! How funny is that! So, we picked him up, as Louise got off, she wasn't following us. Then we went to the closest petrol station to fill our gas tank and buy something to eat. After that we went to Gambir to pick up sifu (Danny) and Yvonne. Danny's hair suggests he just woke up... haha...ha... Then, we officially set off for Sitiawan. ...

About an hour later, we've reached the PLUS highway exit to Bukit Merah. Our destination? Bukit Merah Laketown Resort. But as 霖哥 puts it, "La-Ke-Ton Resort"... Ha Ha Ha!!! Laughter erupted in the van as soon as he uttered those words! Reading from here isn't the same as listening to him saying that live. Walau! He is hilarious, without even trying... Anyway, we drove in and got the van parked. We got down and got ready to... PLAY! After Ren Yee bought the tickets (which is a wrist band with bar code), we got in. Before we went in for the fun, we changed into the proper attire, kept the stuff in the lockers, and got a 2-person tube. ...

Then, we got in and got wet! We waded in the knee deep waters looking for something fun. Of course, we had our fun... Even walking in the waterways was fun. Throw us a tube and 霖哥 and we'll have fun...Haha! (when will i finish this? this is taking so long) We went around, looking for something to play, then we spotted something. We kind of like  ran towards it (water slide), then started climbing upwards. However, when we got up (only Al, 霖哥, and me), the lifeguard there told us that this is only for 12 years and below! =.=!!! Walau! Quite paiseh leh! So, we hurried down, and told the girls the same thing...

We continued on our way looking for something to have fun with... We spotted another slide... We're not sure whether this is suitable for us, so Al, 霖哥, and me went scouting again. We reached the top, and to our relief, it says for 120 cm and above. Wow~ now this is what we were waiting for. So, 霖哥 and me went down first. Woo~ that was fun, with some bumps to look out for (hey, my butt got hit on one of them). We got off (the tube), asked who's next, to go with Al, and realised the girls won't want to go...(we're conservative). So, i went up again with Al. We took a different route down. And they waited there for us...Weird, they don't seemed to want to play... Never mind, we continued...

We continue wading through the waters, by then Ren Yee had joined us. And man, he was playful! Maybe pressures from the work place and the chance to release it made him act this way. Anyway, we had fun. Then we saw something. Something that says 'Excitement', something i've wanted to try. BOOMERANG. Walau eh! Very 'ci gek' ar! Just by the looks of it, it's already quite interesting. So, we decided to give it a shot. 霖哥 and me went up 1st. The climb up was...stair-y. So much steps to reach the top... But, finally we reached there. 霖哥 went down 1st, i didn't see though, i was still climbing. Then, it's my turn. Slowly, and cautiously i got into the rubber...uh...thing. Holding onto the thing, the PIC steadily and gently pushed the thing until i was on the very edge. i looked down. WALAU EH!!! The slope is 90 degrees from up here!!! (it looked like a measly 45 down-side) i gripped the thing tightly, heart pounding like a MG firing, thinking, 'maybe this isn't a good idea after all.' Then, WHOOOSH!!!! Wow!!! G-force quickly builds up on me, 2Gs ++. So exhilarating, so WOW. i can't even scream. Upon reaching the bottom, i shot up again. Then, it slowly swung back and forth until it stops at the bottom. i got off carefully, still 'adrenal-ised' by the entire Whoosh. They all asked, 'How was it?'

'WOW!'

i asked them to give it a try, and persuade, i did. i was already up for the second time. Second time: i tried to scream. It was still quite hard to. When we had enough playing Boomerang, we went on. Then, someone suggested we tried the jelly, and so we did. However, they (the PIC or rather the rule) only allowed about 6 (or 5? i forgot) persons in at a time. But that didn't deterred us from going in. So, we play. *boing boing! Then, *wheessh! Yup, we slide down. Not as fun as Boomerang though, but you could do that as much as you wanted, that is within the 5-minute time frame. We went in for seconds, we had fun. That is until Alvin slipped and hurt himself. RY and me helped him down. Did i mention Al split his toe nail? Yup, it may not bother me much (in fact, i'm pretty interested in it), but it's quite painful.

We did some scurrying, caring, talking... Then, i accompanied Al to the in-house clinic. After some discussion, consideration with the medical staff ( i don't know if they were doctors), he decided to have it cut. So, he got it. All the while with me beside him, it was an experience. (i'm trying to finish this ASAP, it would be one of the longest)

After all that, we exited the Waterpark. And we got ready to leave (of course, we had some other fun before boarding the vehicle) We resumed our journey, leaving "La-ke-ton" with a myriad of feelings. By then, it was already 1500 hrs or so. We quickly stopped by the nearest R&R and had lunch, most of us had nasi. Then we hit the roads again, eager to reach there ASAP. It was a good 2 hrs when we reached Sitiawan. But then, we have yet to reach the church. We got around town looking around for the place. We didn't know where is it. After some 15 minutes, we pulled up to the largest Methodist church we saw, i forgot the name. But as we found out the next day, it's the first church to be established there. We got off, as we waited for the people there to lead us to where we were supposed to go. The Youths we are, we had some fun there too....

Ah, then they arrived. We got on the van, and followed them to Shekinah Methodist Church, not far away. At which, 霖哥 read '街理公会', we burst into laughter again. We got off, as Brother Ngeh (did i spell his name correctly?) and Calvin (Alvin with a 'C' as he introduced himself) talked with Fung Hain (later to be our 奶妈). Not long after, they took us to our lodgings. As it turns out, it is a resort! Cool~ We didn't expect it.

We got in, looked around. Then Brother said we must be ready by 1930 hrs. We heard, i looked at thet time, '1900' Wow! We, a group of 10 brothers and sisters, and only 2 bathrooms, getting ready 30 minutes later... Wow! Rush! One by one, we took turns to have our 'mandi, kerbau style'. Then when the boys are ready to go, the ladies are still.... You know.... We waited... Finally, they were ready, Brother had to wait for us... Paiseh...

They took us for dinner. What we expected was their Youth meeting, but instead they treated us to a dinner meeting. With nice food. That's why i said, 'Bless, and you'll be blessed'. To start off, came the coconuts... Nice... Then came the food... Although i cannot and don't like to eat seafood, the food was good... i had my fill... We had fun over the table too... We got to know to very talented (and good-looking) guys, Ephraim and Matthew (same name as Al's brother). And the ladies (including Al and me), was and probably still is attracted to them (in a good way). They both work at Marina Island, as laboratory workers. Marine biologists, mostly crustaceans if my memory serves me right. Anyway, after dinner, we gathered around and had a small sharing. 

After all that good food, brother Calvin took Al to the nearest clinic, and i accompanied him. Whereas, the others were taking a night's tour of the town. Driving in Sitiawan is pleasurable, the roads are long and straight, with few bumps, a huge contrast to Penang's road. We went around looking for a clinic that's of course still open. We found one. We got in, we got out. That's how efficient the doctor is. Quick and precise. Then, we headed back to camp, uhh, i mean the resort. They, the other eight, haven't reached yet, so, Al and me waited outside, chatting...

Then they got back. We got in, we played UNO. Again  霖哥 amused us with his hilarious ways... Not to laugh at him, but he's simply cute. After some time, it's bed time...We went to bed... A handful two less slept in the sitting room, hey, it's rather comfortable here... Nite... ZZzz...

14th March, Sunday (D2)- We woke up, got ourselves ready for the Sunday service... Wait, we must have breakfast! And so we did. After that, we quickly went to the church. Had our or rather gave our usual P&W. Then, it's our turn. We performed. Fung Hain spoke. We performed. Then, other things before 散会. Then, we had some pictures taken, they had refreshments. After that, we had lunch. dim sum. Yum! Again, fun at the table. 

After lunch, we proceeded to that old church. The trainee pastor gave us a tour of the place. There were even a museum. After that, we were quite...amazed of the church's history. It was once a 100% Christian community (that we were told over dinner on Saturday). The place was... Blessed, i should say. Next, Ephraim and Matthew took us to Marina Island. Walau! 'Chin sui ne!' Very beautiful, clear beaches, nice breeze, just plain beautiful. Man-made island. We walked around, admiring the beauty. After moments i do not know, it was time to head back to Penang. We bid the handsomes farewell, and hit the roads again. On the way, 霖哥 cried (not really) for water. We were hoping a gas station with a mini market. When we saw one, 霖哥 exclaimed, '主的恩典!' We couldn't agree more. We bought stuffs, 霖哥 bought 3 big (1.5 litres big) bottles of drinks... 

We then continued home bound. Did i mentioned we had extra company? Anyway, an hour or so later, 霖哥 asked if there were any stops, he needed to answer nature's call. So, he did. But that was near Penang already. The sky was dark when we stopped. When we're done, we proceeded. But, RY took or missed a turn, we took a big turn before getting our bearings right again. All the while, we were playing guess the song, where a person or two would sing, and the others guess the song. Fun. When we were crossing Penang Bridge, i was chatting with Al. i wanted to say 'Lumut', instead i uttered, 'Mulut (mouth in BM)'. We both broke into laughter. We laughed for a good 20 or so minutes! Haha....

Then, one by one, we got home...T.T 

Thus ends our Fun mini mission trip.... We are hoping for the next one. We are waiting, LORD. (i didn't mention You was because all was by Your grace. So, all was already singing Your praises) 

i took more than a month to complete this...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=416585&id=382465230190&saved#!/pages/Penang-Malaysia/Petra-Baptist-Church-Youth-Team/382465230190?ref=ts

~a burn~

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16042010

http://blitz127.blogspot.com